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Catalog of Unfit Toys: 2001–A Space Odyssey Lego Set

Posted in Uncategorized by cesco7 on March 18, 2011

2001-lego.jpgTired of assembling the Imperial Landing Craft from Return of the Jedi, Dumbledore’s office from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Robert Preston from The Last Starfighter or any of a myriad of pre-designed Lego movie tie-in models that ask nothing of your mental faculties and leave you only with something recognizable but ultimately unrewarding to put on your shelf?

Then prepare to have your mind–and a good seven months–blown with the 2001: A Space Odyssey Lego Set. Your very conception of what a “fun toy” should be is challenged the moment you open the box only to find three seemingly unrelated sections, each equipped with a black monolith, their own maddeningly abstruse pieces and the use of sound in lieu of easy-to-follow instructions or even just one green platform on which to ground your creation. Then it’s off to engage in several, several hours of amusement as you use little prehistoric ape-men to reenact the first discovery of tools and homicide, construct wondrous spaceplanes and space orbital stations from an apparently refinanced Pan-Am while disassembling a talking computer that serves as the set’s one pop culture touchstone or just throw the whole imprecise, infuriating set against the wall as you struggle with the parallels of a floating fetus “starchild” to the nurturing amenities of a Louis XVI-era bedroom, the progression and regression of man and the birth and death of suns and ourselves only ultimately to realize that you should have bougth the more enjoyable Dr. Strangelove Lego Fun Set instead.

See More at The Catalog for Unfit Toys.

Other Links:
Excerpts from “I Could Pee on This” and Other Poems by Cats
My Upcoming Coffee Table Books
The Worst-Selling Books of the Year (So Far)
Write Your Own Irish Memoir–Mad Libs Style!
The Original Cats Quote Charlie Sheen

Follow on Twitter @fmarciuliano
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Excerpts from My Upcoming, Unpublished, Unsolicited Memoir

Posted in Uncategorized by cesco7 on March 18, 2011

“When the first draft of A Brief History of Time arrived it was 1385 pages. I had to make some tough edits. Removed an entire subplot about a magical amulet and ‘Robbits.’ Stevie was mortified but I think the sales speak for themselves.”

“Guess the experts were right. Some things were just never meant to have horns fused onto them.”

“But my second-grade teacher just threw my history report right back at me, saying, ‘China will never be a geoeconomic powerhouse.'”

“Squash, zucchini, I don’t care what you call it. Either way, it had a gun.”

“With a little encouragement and a lot of training I just knew that terrier could take our team to the Super Bowl.”

“The next morning I awoke in a bathtub of ice with two fresh surgical scars and a note on the tenement floor that read, ‘We took your breasts.'”

“And that’s when I turned to the dejected throng and exclaimed, ‘Do you want to see the youth center close? Or do you want to join me and raise the necessary funds by producing the best low-budget, highly lucrative porn films for the direct-to-video market ever?!'”

“What do you mean the rabbits have controlling interest of the company?!?”

“When I first pitched Blues Clues I envisioned it in black and white with heavy shadows, a hardboiled narration, double-crossing dames, lost souls rotting in every alleyway and cheap cigarettes dangling from every lip. Blue was suppose to die at the end. Steve was suppose to shoot him.”

“Looking back, it was foolish of me to teach the apes both advanced weaponry and parliamentary procedure.”

Other Links:
Excerpts from “I Could Pee on This” and Other Poems by Cats
My Upcoming Coffee Table Books
The Worst-Selling Books of the Year (So Far)
Write Your Own Irish Memoir–Mad Libs Style!
The Original Cats Quote Charlie Sheen

Follow on Twitter @fmarciuliano
Follow on Facebook

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