Diary Excerpt from Dick Cheney’s New Memoir
Today marks the publication of Dick Cheney’s eagerly awaited memoir In My Life. To commemorate this occasion Medium Large offers the following diary excerpt from the book, titled “A Typical Office Day” and dated February 2, 2006.
8:45 A.M.: I begin my day by urinating in the corner of West Wing hallway. This both marks my territory and illustrates how I have no intention of peeing with plebes in the men’s room just two doors down.
9:30 A.M.: Fearing security leaks–and inspired by a Sigur Ros album–I begin to communicate with my staff in a language of my own design. I grow increasingly incensed when no one follows through on my command to “Byorfumnar skallipt.”
10:05 A.M.: White House Press Secretary Scott McClellen learns through reporters’ questions that I have assembled my own alternate Cabinet, with each member possessing a special skill like “super speed” or “ability to shape air.”
10:45 A.M.: Overhearing that laughter is infectious, I appropriate $14 billion from the Defense budget for the research and development of a “killer humor contagion.”
11:05 A.M.: I open an official White House ceremony by singing my own version of “The Star-Spangled Banner,” featuring many lines cribbed from Mickey Spillane novels.
11:50 A.M.: I take to screaming “Cheney smash!” to quell dissent or prevent tahini from being served in Capitol cafeteria.
12:30 P.M.: I film a commercial for Japanese Mai-Time Morning Liqueurs (“Breakfast time is Mai-Time”) without the approval or prior knowledge of the President. Later the small alcohol concern is awarded a lucrative contract to manufacture body armor for U.S. soldiers.
1:12 P.M.: I rely on my own instincts and perception of what is right for the nation to cold-cock a nun.
1:40 P.M.: Clearly enjoying the freedom that can only come from being a politician not seeking re-election, I teach my office monkey how to load and fire a Luger.
2:20 P.M.: President realizes in mid-flight to political rally that I am actually riding Air Force One and he is instead in Delta coach.
3:08 P.M.: I single-handedly decide that Richmond is now the capital of California.
3:36 P.M.: I start paying my staff in “Cheney-o’s,” redeemable only at participating Dick Cheney Retail Stores. When staff questions why the change, I slash everybody’s salary by half.
4:00 P.M.: President and I have a falling out when I refuse to tell Bush what I meant by “The birds will never know what hit them.”
4:27 P.M.: National security uncovers that my last three Google searches were “succession,” “fiefdom” and “monkey army.”
4:55 P.M.: Weapons inspectors demand to search my quarters for nuclear explosives. I quickly thwart such an investigation by placing an Aero chair in front of my coat closet.
5:48 P.M.: I avoid capture by blasting off in my escape pod, eventually landing somewhere north of Charleston. Using survival skills honed back when I killed those two kids in Boy Scout camp, I go underground.
6:15 P.M.: Accessing my own rogue satellite from a remote location, I take to the airwaves, demanding full control of the executive branch and military for reasons I feel he need not explain to the likes of American citizens. The FBI traces the signal to Maine. The CIA traces the signal to Turkey. The President decides to split the difference. Despite an exhaustive search, I am not found in the Azores.
7:09 P.M.: I’m captured on video at a BP quick shop, demanding free gas and donuts because I’m the Vice President of the United States and the cashier does not know the true value of Cheney-o’s. Federal investigators learn of the footage nine hours later when one of the agents receives an email link to the video on You Tube.
5:40 A.M.: I’m brought in for questioning. Reporters from around the world swarm the White House while American news channels focus their attention on the search for a white girl who’s been missing for ten minutes.
8:00 A.M.: Scott McClellan goes live on air to announce that the fault for the whole sordid tale rests on the shoulders of an entry-level waiter on my staff. Said waiter is immediately charged with treason and removed to a secret location where he can be studied by “top men.” I resume my duties.
8:15 A.M.: My office monkey dissolves the Senate.