In an attempt to help those individuals who like to leave things to the very last minute, Medium Large presents you, the reader, with the following list of costumes that won’t cost much, can easily be assembled in minutes with items around your house and will almost certainly not be duplicated by other partygoers…if for no other reason than the sad fact that this web site gets two, maybe three vistors, tops.
1. Paulie, The Forgotten Smurf: You know Papa and Brainy and Handy and Grouchy, Vanity and Smurfette and Hefty and Jokey. But do you recall the most famous smurf of all to take both a bullet and controlling interest in his town’s sanitation and highway maintenance sectors? Perhaps the most colorful resident of Smurf Village (and certainly the only one to sport an olive complexion), Paulie always had one hand on a stogie, the other on his crotch and a third buried somewhere in his backyard, the result of a business transaction gone horribly awry. Quick with a joke, a sizeable loan or a threat so cold and calculated it could drain the blood from Azrael’s face, Paulie was blessed with many associates but few friends on the NBC network staff. His low-brow, high-body-count antics often put him at odds with television censors, family advocacy groups, anti-defamation leagues and, none too surprisingly, both the Yakuza and Russian mobs. In the end his image and voice track were excised from every surviving episode of “Smurfs,” preventing future generations from not only enjoying his routinely profitable hijinks but also from hearing his once-famous catchphrase, “Cut off his head and toss the corpse in the dumpster behind the strip joint.”
Costume includes green body paint, double-breasted suit and an assortment of steaks and chops “for tips.”
2. High School Drama Department Barbie (AKA “Spooky Girl”): Remember the girl who always wore a boa, even during swim class? The one who when asked what she wanted to be when she grew up replied, “Nora, from ‘A Doll’s House’.” The one who liked to sit alone in the front of the bus and gyrate rhythmically to the music of the Cocteau Twins, even though she wasn’t wearing any headphones and the driver’s radio was tuned to the sports station? Well now you, too, can recapture the look of that one classmate who spent her lunch hours developing provocative back stories for each one of her french fries. Brash yet bereft of social skills, High School Drama Department Barbie likes to imagine the whole world is her audience, not realizing that most people don’t even like attending the theater for free. So when it comes to your costume the operative word is “commanding.” Best to dress up in an assortment clashing patterns and color combinations that would shock a Missoni boutique owner. Don’t simply walk but stride into the party as if the foyer to Fiddler’s Green Pub was a catwalk and the drunks by the “Golden Tee” video game machine were paparazzi from Vogue Italia. And, most important of all, when talking to guests don’t look so much at them as through them, as you imagine what they must be imagining you’re currently thinking. Then, to cap it off, come prepared with a long, feathery pink boa, if only so you have something to dramatically toss around your neck when you suddenly bolt upright and exclaim, “Renaldo awaits!”
3. Lucky Charms’ Less Fortunate Cereal Mascot Brother, “Screwed”: With two girlfriends knocked-up, a job that fails to provide medical coverage not to mention a fixed office address and a rash that actually seems to spread upon contact with Bactine, Screwed would like to think he’s seen better days but, frankly, this constitutes an upswing. As the spokescharacter for the only children’s cereal to be recalled in Mexico and to sport the tagline “I swear, I’m good for the money,” Screwed requires nothing more for a Halloween costume then an open can of Natural Light and an expression that would make a hyena cry. Possessing neither his brother’s unique sartorial flair nor undying passion for emerald green, Screwed instead prefers white tank tops, unbuttoned flannel shirts and—should the mood strike—pants. So if you’re looking for an inexpensive outfit this season—and have recently lost your job, your significant other or maybe just a toe in a bet—surely Screwed is the costume for you.
4. President William Henry Harrison: Granted, he may lack the familiarity of Washington, the gravitas of Jefferson or even the serene idiocy of Reagan, but what do you expect from a man who died less than a month in office, not from a sniper bullet but from “the sniffles”? But his loss is now your gain! Since almost no one can be expected to have a clear recollection of what a President who barely had time to unpack—much less have an official portrait painted—looked like, you’re free to interpret his image any way you damn well please! While prudent costume designers would strongly suggest you avoid Ben Sherman high-tops and a Puma track jacket, who’s to say the ninth leader of the free world didn’t like his morning jog? And who’s to say what kind of sunglasses he wore, Oakley or Tag Heuer? And can anyone here present documented proof that President Harrison didn’t just like to “chill” in an old pair of Diesel jeans and a CBGB shirt from Urban Outfitters, cell phone at the ready? Well, probably no one at the party you’re attending, so be creative! The only limit is your imagination and your guests’ collective knowledge of 1840’s American society.
5. Homemade: Okay, so the idea of hot-gluing two pipe cleaners to your head, wrapping yourself up in several rolls of aluminum foil and going as “The Insectoid Who Shouldn’t Be Microwaved” doesn’t exactly fill your heart with the Halloween spirit. But with a minimum of both props and shame, you should have no trouble cobbling together a costume quickly and on the cheap. Why not take those yellowed bed sheets you keep in the attic for some reason and go as “The Jaundiced Ghost”? Why not switch clothes with your spouse and go as “The Couple with a Secret”? Or why not just grow a goatee and go as “My Evil Twin”? What you lack in funds and finesse your fellow guests will more than make up for with cruel, cutting retorts.
Charms Sour Ball: “I feel like I just mugged an old lady’s candy dish.”
Bit O’ Honey: “Oh dear lord, that shortcut through my neighbor’s hedges must have ben a time tunnel because apparently it’s 1974.”
Chiclets: “Have I wronged you in some way? Seriously, did I cause grievous harm to someone you love? Because I’m staring at this in my hand right now and all I can imagine going through your head right now is ‘Revenge.’”
Good ‘n Plenty: “Oh look! It’s the candy that looks like prescription medicine but tastes like…prescription medicine.”
Pixy Stix: “Do you have like a small mirror I can use to inhale this candy?”
Candy Corn: “I’m…I’m going to bed.”
What was your worst and/or favorite Halloween candy?
Should the Forths be the classic, lumbering zombie archetype from Night of the Living Dead, the fast-paced, rage-fueled undead from 28 Days Later or simply gnaw on a brain in their car’s cup holder as they drive between shopping trips and soccer practices?
Shout-Out Note: Ed Power and Melissa DeJesus (the creators of the sorely missed syndicated comic strip My Cage) are looking for backers to help them complete their new graphic novel Santa Vs. Dracula. If you’d like to help please go to their Kickstarter page. After all, it’s only spiritually right to support a creative duo with the collective surname is “Power DeJesus.”
In honor of ABC’s airing of It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown tonight, I present some long-lost scenes cut from that holiday classic.
Also, I will be live tweeting throughout the broadcast tonight, because that’s what a grown man does when he manages to live out a career trajectory set out at age five. So join in on the fun starting at 8 pm EST!
Trick-or-treating as an adult can mean anything from visiting friends’ houses dressed as Darth Vader to wandering around your neighborhood in a Hazmat suit and carrying a loud radiation detector…a full week before Halloween. But to do it right you should pay special attention to the following advice…
For all the tips on making this your best adult Halloween yet, please go to Smosh.com. Thank you!
No matter how advanced or how popular your favorite gadgets are today, almost all of them will be but a distant memory within ten years, joining the ranks of VCRs, Discmans and yelling really loud before everyone had cell phones. Here are just some waiting their turn to dive into the technological dustheap…
To see all the doomed gadgets please go to Smosh.com. Thank you!