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The Electoral College: A Brief Explanation

Posted in Uncategorized by cesco7 on October 23, 2012

Well, the debate season has finally come to a close. Hopefully everyone enjoyed a bumper crop this year and you are all now busily jamming and preserving the remaining harvest in mason jars (I may be a bit confused as to what exactly a “debate season” is).

But now that we have passed this particular milestone and head for the homestretch with the quiet dignity and stately presence both sides have always brought to the process, some people may still be a bit confused about certain aspects of the U.S. Presidential election, one of the most confounding being “The Electoral College.”

Now, while I in no way profess to be an American history expert, I did attend a university with a fixed address (albeit one in which I focused almost entirely on 20th century British literature and R.E.M.’s I.R.S. label years) and have ready access to Google. So in the spirit of public edification and personal scholarship that this webcomic site clearly was founded on, I am proud to provide you with the following short summary…

The Electoral College and You…Minus You
The Electoral College was devised by the Framers of the Constitution as America’s last stand against the democracy it had fought long and hard to secure. Of course, by “democracy” our forefathers meant “mob rule” and by “mob” they, curiously enough, meant Sicilians. In an attempt to prevent the rabble from running roughshod over the government and middle America putting a Hummel figurine or Disney character in charge, the Framers decided that each state would choose electors equal to that state’s number of Senate and House seats combined. The electors would then meet in their states and burn a witch. If the witch emitted a plume of white smoke, then there would be a new Pope. The Pope would then realize that most Americans view Catholicism as an outgrowth of voodoo and so would quickly assume the shape of a swan to allude grievous harm. While as a swan, he would then impregnate the first Greek person he encountered, who in turn would give birth to the next President of the United States. Unless, of course, no witch, Pope, swan or whatever achieved a majority of the vote, in which case the tallest non-twin individual in America would become Emperor.

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2 Responses

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  1. David Oxford (@LBD_Nytetrayn) said, on October 23, 2012 at 11:00 am

    But you forgot the ramifications of a pigicorn (pig with a unicorn horn) showing up at dinner, and the different fallouts between showing up at the dinner of a family who keeps kosher and one who doesn’t!

    Sorry, I’m just a stickler for details like that.

  2. flyers75 said, on October 23, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    Alarmingly, this makes more sense then the actual definition of the Electorial College.


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