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The Day Penthouse Shot on Our Dinner Table: A Childhood Memory (Part Five–The End)

Posted in Uncategorized by cesco7 on March 7, 2011

If you haven’t done so, please read Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.

Part Five: The Aftermath
Unlike typical crime capers there was no climactic shootout, no final explosion and no conclusive battle of wits. There wasn’t a last-minute double-cross, a final moment of ironic justice or a closing iconic farewell. There was just a fat, four-eyed kid with a pounding noise in his head that he soon realized was his father yelling his name over and over again.


It seemed an odd comment given how adamant my dad was to get me out of the house earlier, but I was too numb to question anyone’s reasoning. I entered through the back door and heard my dad beckon me into the dining room. There he proceeded to tear into me, more embarrassed for himself than me. Shamefaced to the point of distraction, I only picked up a few words—“”Idiot,” “Degenerate,” “Buick”—while my eyes kept darting around the room to avoid his glower. I caught fleeting glimpses of a model lying naked on the glass. Another model putting her panties back on. The photographer calmly switching lenses. My brother quietly sitting in a chair, eating Stella Doro cookies, more fascinated with the lights than with the nudity.

When the yelling stopped I simply mumbled “I’m sorry” to everyone, but mostly to my own chest . I think. I’m not sure. I was dead inside. After I apologized a few more times into my body for good measure I slowly walked back to my bedroom, making as little noise as possible so that everyone would forget that I even existed. Then I closed the door, flung my body on my bed and stared up at the right protruding nipple where my Miss Piggy poster was supposed to be. “Penthouse Saturday” had become worse than a typical school day, which was to say an unmitigated disaster. I was confident things could never, ever get any worse, but made certain not to say so for fear that would only cause the ceiling to cave in on me.

Come September I was back in my “social death seat” at the front of the bus. And like every year before, my neck was pelted by all the colors of the Crayola rainbow. But something felt different this time. Something had changed again. The crayons no longer stung like they used to. Maybe I had just grown used to the attacks. Or maybe—just maybe—the Davids and their compatriots were no longer sharpening their crayons. Perhaps in some small yet significant way they were telling me that I had proved my mettle, my coolness, after all.

Once more, when all seemed lost, the gods gave me a warm pat on the back. And that’s when I knew sixth grade was going to be the best year yet.

The End.

Other Links:
The Original Cats Quote Charlie Sheen
Cats Quote Charlie Sheen: Morning Edition
Cats Quote Charlie Sheen: The 20/20 Interview
Quotes from Lesser Transformers
The Worst-Selling Books of the Year (So Far)

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9 Responses

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  1. JPWarner said, on March 7, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Love it. Thanks for sharing this, Ces.

  2. Piraro said, on March 7, 2011 at 11:22 am

    What an amazing story. Thank god it’s true!

  3. kris said, on March 7, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Alright, sir. Write more stuff like this.

    Poems about cats peeing on stuff? No.

    Thank you.

    • cesco7 said, on March 7, 2011 at 2:21 pm

      Haha! Well, I like to get a good mix. Thank you for reading!

      • sharonheg said, on March 8, 2011 at 10:07 am

        Found you through a link of Kris’s. Awesome story that had be LOL. But the peeing cats? Not so much 😉 Ah well, different strokes for different folks…I’ll hang out and hope/wait for more stories.

  4. Victoria Dunn said, on March 7, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    Oh my goodness, no! We need both cat peeing poetry and wonderful stories like this.

    Thanks so much for all the wonderful entertainment. I hope that one day I can create a super villain who has a dining room as cool as your Dad’s.

    I also hope you now have the Miss Piggy poster of your dreams. You’ve more than earned it.

  5. Warren said, on March 7, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    So … which issue was it printed in?

  6. lizaroni said, on March 8, 2011 at 8:07 am

    This is by far one of the best pieces I’ve read in a long while. You have a wonderful talent for writing, and I thank you for sharing it with us.

  7. o0o said, on March 19, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    awww, you should have stuck it to the david for queering the deal. it’s not like HE ever had naked girls getting photographed in his dining room.

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