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Death and Dining in New Jersey: A Conversation

Posted in Uncategorized by cesco7 on March 8, 2011

We begin a few years back in a diner off the New Jersey Turnpike, during a visit with Grandma.

Grandma: Do you ever tell your friends what a beautiful and intelligent Grandma you have, Ces?

Ces: Sorry?

Dad: Just tell her yes, Ces.

Ces: I…uh, I try to work it into conversation as much as possible, Grandma.

Dad: Don’t be a wiseass.

Ces: Sorry.

Grandma: I’ll be back. Have to go to the bathroom.

Grandma leaves table.

Dad: Hey, Ces, does Grandma look out of it to you?

Ces: Kinda, I guess. But she’s not bad for 90.

Dad: What do you mean?

Ces: Well, she is getting old.

Dad: So? Marciulianos live much longer than average folks! Look at your Grandpa! He would still be alive today if he hadn’t died in that hospital.

Ces: What?

Dad: Y’know, from that spill he took…when he had to go to the hospital. I bet if he didn’t fall he would still be around today.

Ces: At age 102?

Dad: See? That’s what I’m talking about. Marciulianos live a long time. That’s another thing you got from my side of the family. Age. Smarts. Looks. The only thing you got from your mother’s side was height.

Ces: Nice to throw her a bone, Dad.

Dad: They grow like weeds on that side. Way too gangly.

Ces: Wait, how old was Grandma’s dad when he died?

Dad: Umm…72.

Ces: Oh…but he did have cancer…

Dad: Christ, that’s just four years older than me.

Ces: Dad…

Dad: I thought I had another forty years. Christ, I hate being middle-aged.

Ces: Okay. That’s it. New subject. It was really nice of you to take Grandma out to eat, Dad.

Dad: Hey, I’m a nice guy. By the way, do you have money to pay the bill? All I brought was my Sunoco card.

Ces: You didn’t bring any money at all? How were you expecting to pay for the toll on the New Jersey Turnpike?

Dad: That reminds me–I need some money for that, too.

Ces: Wha..what if I didn’t have enough cash on me, Dad?

Dad: Why? Because you keep wasting it all?

Grandma returns from the bathroom.

Grandma: I got toilet paper!

Ces: Oh, shit.

Dad: What the hell are you doing, Ma?!

Ces: You stole toilet paper, Grandma?

Dad: Can I have a roll?

Grandma: Sure. I think there’s one or two rolls left in the men’s room.

Ces: You stole toilet paper from both restrooms?!

Dad: Are you nuts, Ma?

Ces: Please ask her to return them, Dad.

Dad: Well, that’ll actually only draw more attention. Besides, I could use a roll for sneezing in the car.

Grandma: You can take one from the men’s room. I think there’s one or two left.

Dad: I can’t have one fucking toilet paper roll?!

Ces: Dad, will you lower your voice?

Dad: Who the fuck is listening?!

Waitress: Is everything okay?

Grandma: My soda’s too warm.

Dad: That’s because you ordered it without ice, Ma.

Ces: Maybe we should get her some ice.

Dad: She doesn’t like ice. It makes her teeth hurt.

Grandma: I don’t like my soda warm, either.

Dad (To Waitress): I’m sorry, Miss. Maybe she got confused when ordering. English isn’t her first language. She’s originally from Italy.

Waitress: That’s okay. I have one just like her at home. I’ll get her another glass of soda and make sure it’s cold.

Dad: Thanks.

Waitress walks away with soda.

Dad: What the hell did she mean she has “one just like her at home”? Is she trying to be insulting?

Ces: I think she meant she has a mother born in another country.

Dad: No, she was making a wiseass remark. Screw her, I’m not leaving a tip.

Ces: You weren’t going to leave her anything! You don’t have any money, remember?

Grandma: I’m sorry Janice couldn’t come.

Ces: Hmm? Oh, well, Dad and Aunt Janice are having some sort of argument, I guess.

Dad: I’m not arguing. Janice is arguing. I’m just not listening.

Grandma: At least you could visit, Ces.

Ces: No problem.

Dad: Of course he could. Ces is a really sweet kid. He’d do anything for anybody.

Ces: Uh…gee, thanks, Dad. Really.

Grandma: I just don’t know why Frank and Janice have to fight. Siblings never fight.

Ces: That’s not true, Grandma. Marcello and I used to fight all the time.

Dad: That’s because you and Cello are two miserable little fucks who couldn’t give a shit about anyone.


Ces: Wait, what the fuck just happened?

Dad: Don’t curse in front of your grandmother.

Ces: I’m…I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Grandma. But what the hell just happened?

Dad: When?

Ces: “When?” Two minutes ago you were nominating me for Son of the Century. Now you’re acting like I should get the chair.

Dad: What, you and Cello never fought?

Ces: Of course we fought! But that doesn’t have anything to do with it!

Dad: Sure it did! You think I liked dealing with that? None of the other parents’ kids fought!

Ces: Of course they did!

Dad: Well I didn’t have to deal with them.

Waitress returns with new glass of soda and a plate of bruschetta for Grandma.

Grandma: I didn’t order this.

Waitress: The chef heard you were from Italy so he made you a plate on the house.

Grandma: I’m not paying for this.

Ces: Funny, neither is Dad.

Dad: Ma, they’re giving it to you for free.

Grandma: Did you order this?

Dad: For free, Ma! They made it for you for free!

Grandma: But I didn’t order this.

Dad: It’s free! Free! They’re being nice! Eat it! (To waitress) Thank you very much. That was very thoughtful of you.

Waitress: You’re welcome.

Waitress walks away.

Ces: Now can I leave her a tip, Dad?

Dad: Ma, can I have one of those?

Grandma: They made them for me.

Dad: But you didn’t even want them.

Ces: We should probably get going soon.

Dad: Just a bite. One lousy bite!

Grandma: There’s only three.

Dad: Why can’t I have one fucking piece of bruschetta?!

Ces: How does a 40% tip sound?

Dad: Wha…why are you wrapping the other two up?

Grandma: I’m not hungry anymore. I’ll eat them later.

Ces: Where did you park the car, Dad? I think I’ll wait in there.

Dad: If you’re not hungry now why can’t I have one?!

Grandma: And what am I supposed to eat for later?


Ces: I’m leaving.

Three get up from table and start to head out. Ces turns to get his umbrella only to see Grandma taking tip from table.

Ces: Wha…what are you doing, Grandma?

Grandma: You accidentally left some money on the table.

Ces: It’s the tip, Grandma.

Grandma: Someone could have taken it.

Ces: Yes, Grandma. The waitress.

Grandma: But you already gave her the money for the bill.

Ces: And that was the money for her.

Grandma: What is she going to do with all that money? I didn’t want you to lose any more.

Ces: Then why were you putting my money in your purse?

Grandma: Would you like a bruschetta, Ces?

Dad: WHAT?!?

Grandma: I’ve got two left and I can’t eat that many.

Ces: I just want to leave a tip!

Dad (Whispering): Don’t worry, Ces. I’ll get the money out of her purse when she’s not looking.

Ces: Um…uh…thanks, Dad.

Dad: That way we can pay the tolls…and I can have some bruschetta.

Other Links:
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The Worst-Selling Books of the Year (So Far)
Cats Quote Charlie Sheen: The 20/20 Interview
Quotes from Lesser Transformers

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18 Responses

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  1. Beneath The Tin Foil Hat said, on March 8, 2011 at 10:35 am


  2. ryanoneil said, on March 8, 2011 at 11:19 am

    oh wow, excellent 😀

  3. Mollyscribbles said, on March 8, 2011 at 11:20 am

    Having worked in a restaurant before, I have to say that the waitress will hate your grandmother upon realizing what she did as the dishwasher hates the people who scrape their plates into their mugs.

    . . . honestly, who the fuck dumps scrambled eggs into half a cup of coffee?

  4. Gil said, on March 8, 2011 at 11:49 am

    Yep. one just like her at home. Thanks for sharing. I have an elderly aunt that goes into the kitchen at restaurants and bosses the staff around…

  5. Dr. Shrinker said, on March 8, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    I know it’s a repeat, but goddamm if I wasn’t laughing out loud in the office just now making my receptionist wonder what the heck I was doing…one of my favorites. Thanks!

  6. Thumper said, on March 8, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    I am so glad it’s not just my family… 😉

  7. roger T said, on March 8, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Remember how Charlie Brown used to groan? AUUUGH? That’s how I felt when I read this.

  8. Naked Bunny with a Whip said, on March 8, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    Ha ha. Family. You gotta love ’em. I’m told. By my family.

  9. Ellie said, on March 8, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    This was particularly funny.

  10. Katie said, on March 8, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    I think we could be related. My dad’s pretty legit, but mine and my mother’s relationship has consisted of one long circlejerk.

    This is brilliant.

  11. Greg Sanders said, on March 8, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    Wow, just walking away from that family conversation alive is an accomplishment.

  12. Anne said, on March 8, 2011 at 9:44 pm

    I really feel like this explains a lot.

  13. red4 said, on March 8, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    This became unfunny the second an argument started. I never put up with petty, incoherent arguing of this sort. Grandma and Dad are clearly both senile, if not insane. It’s never wise to feed the trolls. You should have treated them like children, because they were acting like it.

  14. Seattle Dave said, on March 8, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    Your family sounds approximately as insane as mine. Good stuff.

  15. Six_of_One said, on March 9, 2011 at 3:00 am

    I’ve got one of those at home too. Jeeez Louise, what makes Italian family members so bleeping crazy?

  16. robinite said, on March 9, 2011 at 10:15 am

    i am so sorry

  17. blueberry said, on March 9, 2011 at 11:56 am

    It’s like Shit my Dad Said except I actually believe it happened and that it deserves to be on TV. So it’s not like Shit My Dad Said at all, it’s actually funny.

  18. Witty Phrase said, on March 10, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    Holy shit that was funny. That is family sitcom material right there.

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