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Excerpts from My Upcoming, Unpublished, Unsolicited Memoir

Posted in Uncategorized by cesco7 on March 18, 2011

“When the first draft of A Brief History of Time arrived it was 1385 pages. I had to make some tough edits. Removed an entire subplot about a magical amulet and ‘Robbits.’ Stevie was mortified but I think the sales speak for themselves.”

“Guess the experts were right. Some things were just never meant to have horns fused onto them.”

“But my second-grade teacher just threw my history report right back at me, saying, ‘China will never be a geoeconomic powerhouse.'”

“Squash, zucchini, I don’t care what you call it. Either way, it had a gun.”

“With a little encouragement and a lot of training I just knew that terrier could take our team to the Super Bowl.”

“The next morning I awoke in a bathtub of ice with two fresh surgical scars and a note on the tenement floor that read, ‘We took your breasts.'”

“And that’s when I turned to the dejected throng and exclaimed, ‘Do you want to see the youth center close? Or do you want to join me and raise the necessary funds by producing the best low-budget, highly lucrative porn films for the direct-to-video market ever?!'”

“What do you mean the rabbits have controlling interest of the company?!?”

“When I first pitched Blues Clues I envisioned it in black and white with heavy shadows, a hardboiled narration, double-crossing dames, lost souls rotting in every alleyway and cheap cigarettes dangling from every lip. Blue was suppose to die at the end. Steve was suppose to shoot him.”

“Looking back, it was foolish of me to teach the apes both advanced weaponry and parliamentary procedure.”

Other Links:
Excerpts from “I Could Pee on This” and Other Poems by Cats
My Upcoming Coffee Table Books
The Worst-Selling Books of the Year (So Far)
Write Your Own Irish Memoir–Mad Libs Style!
The Original Cats Quote Charlie Sheen

Follow on Twitter @fmarciuliano
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8 Responses

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  1. Umclench said, on March 18, 2011 at 7:57 am


  2. Saddened said, on March 18, 2011 at 9:45 am

    You know, I liked this blog a lot better when it was just the comic.

    • cesco7 said, on March 18, 2011 at 10:17 am

      More comics are coming. Thank you for visiting, though.

      • Doug said, on March 18, 2011 at 2:42 pm

        Don’t listen to that crazy talk, Ces! Keep up the mix!

  3. Naked Bunny with a Whip said, on March 18, 2011 at 10:40 am

    I dunno. “Francesco” isn’t that hard to pronounce, aside from the giggling.

  4. Limpy said, on March 18, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    As long as we’re sharing, I liked this blog better when it was slamming the bog-trotting Irish.

    But the comics are good too. And the stories about Penthouse models.

    Especially Penthouse.

  5. Kevin said, on March 18, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    Isn’t Blue is a girl?

  6. Piraro said, on April 17, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    Nothing clever to say, just that it never ceases to amaze me how brilliant you are at this kind of gag. Unlike the commentator below, I love this stuff as much as the comics.

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