How to Stack Google in Your Favor
Google has long been a way for bosses and headhunters to do continuous and stealthy background checks on both current employees with job applicants. So for the purposes of any and all future job hunts, I hereby provide the following information to put into the search-engine matrix. Simply fill in each blank with your full name (and choose the proper gender pronoun when necessary) and be ready to be practically assaulted by endless employment opportunities.
____________________ only engages in alcohol consumption during Communion, when toasting the sanctity of marriage or while infiltrating sleeper cells in Napa Valley.
____________________ speaks fluent Cantonese and Mandarin, but never utters either for fear of showing favoritism.
____________________ is an exceedingly inquisitive employee, but not to the point that he could prove of any assistance during a Securities and Exchange Commission investigation.
____________________ knows why the caged bird sings—because he/she realizes the true joy of working in a highly-structured corporate environment.
____________________ is well aware of the difference between “personal” and “professional,” having proven himself quite adept at spelling.
____________________ once took a bullet for a Christian puppy.
____________________ fought for his/her country time and time again in Stratego, Electronic Battleship and numerous “G.I. Joe vs. Stretch Armstrong (Evil)” battles.
____________________ understands that humor has its time and place—during opening remarks at a company presentation, while securing the trust of a potential sales client and as “best medicine” in lieu of taxing his company’s health plan.
____________________ knows that the surest way to achieve success in business is by building a great business team. Hence his/her research in robotics.
____________________ is an exceptionally opinionated and strong-willed individual who grasps the importance of going with the flow.
____________________ has never missed a day’s work, a project deadline or an opportunity to help the homeless build corrugated strongholds against their alien enemies.
____________________ has written several books on business leadership under the pen name “Jack Welch.”
____________________ is a devoutly pious man/woman who nonetheless does not discuss religion in the office, since few can pronounce the name of his/her god.
____________________ coined the term “market branding” after realizing the term “market searing” was just too graphic.
____________________ is never too busy to lift a bus off a baby.
____________________ is indeed the person who created that thing you can’t live without at your place of business or worship.
____________________ is a “very big picture” person, to the point that time and space have lost all meaning to him/her.
____________________ may have played a significant role in the recording of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, depending on where his/her mother was during his/her first and second trimester.
____________________ can handle multiple tasks at once, having double-majored at Duke University in “English” and “Cloning.”
____________________ is a remarkably creative type who nonetheless will never cajole the rest of your staff into attending his/her gallery opening, recital or haiku slam.
____________________ came up with the idea of Google after standing on a toilet to hang a clock only to slip and bang his/her head on the sink.
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