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Ted Forth Announces His Candidacy for President of the United States

Posted in Uncategorized by cesco7 on June 10, 2011

My Fellow Americans,

Like you I, too, am deeply saddened by the current state of our great nation. Rising unemployment. Skyrocketing gas prices. A complete reboot of the entire DC Universe. It’s enough to make a grown man weep, despite his wife’s pleas not to do so in public or in bed.

But rather than wallow in frustration and hopelessness I think now more than ever it is crucial we discuss these very problems. That you and I engage in an open and meaningful dialogue about our concerns and exasperation. For it is often only by discussing things with others do we gain the necessary understanding to do not only what we want but also, more importantly, achieve what we truly need.

Take that great 20th century character Benson. When we first met Benson he was the butler for the wealthy Tate family in Soap. But despite his clear affection for materfamilias Jessica Tate, not doubt Benson spoke to friends and family about his desire to do more with his life, see more of this great world of ours. And unquestionably it was through these heart-to-hearts that he chose to leave his former employer in Connecticut and become the Head of Household Affairs for Governor Eugene Gatling (a career move no doubt facilitated by the fact that Eugene was the cousin of Jessica Tate).

Yet even though the job was not without its rewards, Benson still yearned for more. So one can presume that he engaged in another long series of conversations with his compeers, and it was thanks to their advice that he almost certainly acquired the confidence and commitment to steadily climb up the ladder until he became State Budget Director and then ultimately to the very esteemed and enviable position of Lieutenant Governor.

But as we all know, no matter how much you have, you dream of something more. And so it was with Benson when he–we can assuredly guess–once more sought the audience and counseling of workmates, classmates and soulmates to debate the viability of a run for the governorship. And so the series “Benson” ended on an unresolved cliffhanger, as the title character and best friend and new opponent Eugene sat together, watching the election returns.

I guess in the end what I’m trying to say is that I have after much deliberation and discussion with my still confused family decided to run for President of these United States of America.

Over the next few weeks and months I will be releasing my personal tax returns, my professional emails and my audition tape for The Real World: San Francisco in which I lost out to that son-of-a-bitch Judd. It’s all so I can show that I have absolutely nothing to hide, mostly because I often lack the necessary shame to do so.

Yes, these are trying times, my friend. But this can be the start of an exciting era. An era full of optimism, confidence and finally some decent cartoon-based or movie tie-in cereal. Together we can do this! Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Ted Forth and I want my MTV!…Not…not the current version of MTV. The old school version of MTV that used to show Golden Earring’s “Twilight Zone” like a thousand times a day. Good times. And a great future.

Other Links
Jane Austen’s Summer Newsletter, 4 June 1798
Burger King Wrapper Copy Revised
Why Cats Are Not Doctors
Excerpts from “I Could Pee on This” and Other Poems by Cats

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13 Responses

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  1. Lucas said, on June 10, 2011 at 11:54 am

    Now that’s my MTV.

  2. yellojkt said, on June 10, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    Can I be Secretary of Mutant Relations?

  3. Paul Jones said, on June 10, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    Well, he’s more exciting than anything the Republicans are fielding; perhaps he can do something about the Spider-Man marriage.

    • maradanto said, on June 10, 2011 at 10:13 pm

      I second that, on both fronts. If Ted can do something to get Spider-man’s marriage restored to Marvel continuity, I’d even vote for him in the general election next November, because some things just have to take precedence.

  4. Naked Bunny with a Whip said, on June 10, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    President Ted Forth will task the Justice Department with discovering just who did start the fire and allocate funds to FEMA to stop it burnin’ while the world is turnin’.

  5. Harold said, on June 10, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    President Forth will make both May the Fourth and May 25th national holidays. But I fear if he is elected, we will see a virulent outbreak of Pac-Man Fever sweep the nation.

  6. Lurkertype said, on June 10, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    I’m voting for President Forth. He’s in-tune with my needs and wants. Plus Sally would rock as First Lady.

  7. Carson Margedant said, on June 10, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    Sorry, for the third election in a row, I’m voting for Bill The Cat.

  8. Judas Peckerwood said, on June 10, 2011 at 10:52 pm

    Holy shit –– that Rubik’s Cube cartoon thing is real!

  9. Andy said, on June 11, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Ted Forth has my support, if only for that Astro-Pop thing. Can I be Minister of Disinformation?

  10. Fried Chicken said, on June 12, 2011 at 4:14 am


  11. […] Ted Forth 2012! Because it’s time we had robot-serviced domed underwater colonies on the moon. […]

  12. Paul Jones said, on June 26, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    Oh, yeah. Nice Judd Winick reference there.

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