Today marks the publication of Dick Cheney’s eagerly awaited memoir In My Life. To commemorate this occasion Medium Large offers the following diary excerpt from the book, titled “A Typical Office Day” and dated February 2, 2006.
8:45 A.M.: I begin my day by urinating in the corner of West Wing hallway. This both marks my territory and illustrates how I have no intention of peeing with plebes in the men’s room just two doors down.
9:30 A.M.: Fearing security leaks–and inspired by a Sigur Ros album–I begin to communicate with my staff in a language of my own design. I grow increasingly incensed when no one follows through on my command to “Byorfumnar skallipt.”
10:05 A.M.: White House Press Secretary Scott McClellen learns through reporters’ questions that I have assembled my own alternate Cabinet, with each member possessing a special skill like “super speed” or “ability to shape air.”
10:45 A.M.: Overhearing that laughter is infectious, I appropriate $14 billion from the Defense budget for the research and development of a “killer humor contagion.”
11:05 A.M.: I open an official White House ceremony by singing my own version of “The Star-Spangled Banner,” featuring many lines cribbed from Mickey Spillane novels.
11:50 A.M.: I take to screaming “Cheney smash!” to quell dissent or prevent tahini from being served in Capitol cafeteria.
12:30 P.M.: I film a commercial for Japanese Mai-Time Morning Liqueurs (“Breakfast time is Mai-Time”) without the approval or prior knowledge of the President. Later the small alcohol concern is awarded a lucrative contract to manufacture body armor for U.S. soldiers.
1:12 P.M.: I rely on my own instincts and perception of what is right for the nation to cold-cock a nun.
1:40 P.M.: Clearly enjoying the freedom that can only come from being a politician not seeking re-election, I teach my office monkey how to load and fire a Luger.
2:20 P.M.: President realizes in mid-flight to political rally that I am actually riding Air Force One and he is instead in Delta coach.
3:08 P.M.: I single-handedly decide that Richmond is now the capital of California.
3:36 P.M.: I start paying my staff in “Cheney-o’s,” redeemable only at participating Dick Cheney Retail Stores. When staff questions why the change, I slash everybody’s salary by half.
4:00 P.M.: President and I have a falling out when I refuse to tell Bush what I meant by “The birds will never know what hit them.”
4:27 P.M.: National security uncovers that my last three Google searches were “succession,” “fiefdom” and “monkey army.”
4:55 P.M.: Weapons inspectors demand to search my quarters for nuclear explosives. I quickly thwart such an investigation by placing an Aero chair in front of my coat closet.
5:48 P.M.: I avoid capture by blasting off in my escape pod, eventually landing somewhere north of Charleston. Using survival skills honed back when I killed those two kids in Boy Scout camp, I go underground.
6:15 P.M.: Accessing my own rogue satellite from a remote location, I take to the airwaves, demanding full control of the executive branch and military for reasons I feel he need not explain to the likes of American citizens. The FBI traces the signal to Maine. The CIA traces the signal to Turkey. The President decides to split the difference. Despite an exhaustive search, I am not found in the Azores.
7:09 P.M.: I’m captured on video at a BP quick shop, demanding free gas and donuts because I’m the Vice President of the United States and the cashier does not know the true value of Cheney-o’s. Federal investigators learn of the footage nine hours later when one of the agents receives an email link to the video on You Tube.
5:40 A.M.: I’m brought in for questioning. Reporters from around the world swarm the White House while American news channels focus their attention on the search for a white girl who’s been missing for ten minutes.
8:00 A.M.: Scott McClellan goes live on air to announce that the fault for the whole sordid tale rests on the shoulders of an entry-level waiter on my staff. Said waiter is immediately charged with treason and removed to a secret location where he can be studied by “top men.” I resume my duties.
8:15 A.M.: My office monkey dissolves the Senate.
Just because it’s been ages since you read your favorite children’s books doesn’t mean the stories ended for the characters inside. Here’s what happened to them after you closed the cover.
For the whole list please go to Smosh.com.
High school is about learning. But it’s also about coping. And to help you make it through the day or at least until lunch without escaping through a window or heating duct, here’s a handy guide to the seven most common teacher personalities you’ll encounter this school year.
For more please go to Smosh.com.
Age 16: Encouraged by friends who repeatedly say, “You know, you’re really funny” and “Few puppet bears can quote Nichols & May routines verbatim,” Fozzie Bear attends his first open mic night. His jokes about curfews and scatological references to Lincoln Logs fail to engage the hard-drinking 3 A.M. crowd but comedy club owners are quickly taken by his willingness to Simonize their cars in exchange for stage time.
Age 18: Fozzie attends Fordham University to earn a political science degree but soon starts spending more hours in downtown comedy clubs than in class. He hones an extended riff about the time he tried mushrooms and shaved off some his fur, only to realize that fabric rarely, if ever, grows back.
Age 20: Fozzie drops out of college to focus solely on his stand-up career. He begins dabbling in anti-comedy, singing the fine copy of Maytag dryer warranties. What he gains in notoriety he loses in laughs and bookings. Fozzie also starts to DJ at a Lower East Side bar. It’s there that he meets future singer/songwriter Paul Williams, then concertina player for a pre-thrash Husker Du.
Age 22: Fozzie reworks routine yet again, focusing on inability to figure out women, impressions of famous people doing ordinary tasks and the inanities of travel. He immediately lands a slot on The Tonight Show. Emboldened by the fortuitous turn in his career, Fozzie uses his five minutes of airtime to muse on what the mythology of Count Chocula would be like if written by Anne Rice. Carson does not invite him to sit by his side at routine’s end.
Age 24: Destitute and desperate, Fozzie is about to take a real estate agent license test when he receives a callback for a commercial spokesperson gig. His resulting tagline, “I don’t go in the woods, I go in an American Standard toilet” gets him the attention of then-NBC President Fred Silverman, who signs him to a sitcom deal.
Age 25: NBC announces the fall premiere of Fozzie, about a leather-jacketed cool guy who always gets the women, tools around on a motorcycle and turns on appliances by hitting them. Gary Marshall sues for intellectual theft before a single scene is shot.
Age 27: CBS picks up the sitcom Grin & Bear It, starring Fozzie as a happy-go-lucky social worker tending to two children—Rodney Allen Rippy and Mason Reese, playing themselves if only to negate the need to write character backstories. Audience reaction to the test pilot is violent at best. The series is reworked and reconceived several times before eventually airing as Barnaby Jones, starring Buddy Ebsen. Fozzie fires his agent, manager and spiritual advisor.
Age 29: Fearing he has blown any and all opportunities to achieve a career in comedy, Fozzie tries his hand at dramatic acting. His one-person reimagining of Ibsen’s A Doll House not only proves spectacularly ill-conceived but also heavily cribbed from the movie The Deep, down to his repeated mention of actress Jacqueline Bisset.
Age 30: While toiling as a janitor at a Burger Chef, Fozzie is introduced by Paul Williams to Kermit the Frog, a fast-rising comedy star who just landed a deal with a British production company for The Muppet Show (initially pitched as “Laugh-In meets Animal Farm, minus the political screed”) Fozzie auditions for the role of crotchety audience member Statler but instead lands the much larger role of Fozzie Bear, in part thanks to his “almost preternatural understanding” of the character.
Age 31: The Muppet Show airs and immediately becomes a worldwide sensation. While less than thrilled with the vaudevillian-style jokes he is required to cite, Fozzie is ecstatic to finally be able to afford his own car, home and mescaline.
Age 32: Worried that the show’s family-friendly content could have a negative impact on his grittier stand-up career, Fozzie pushes for more experimental humor. He and Kermit eventually come to blows over a proposed skit about ursine gynecologists. Fozzie is dropped from two episodes. The skit is retooled as “Veterinarian’s Hospital.”
Age 34: Fozzie starts bad-mouthing Kermit in the press, calling him a “sell out” and “slave to mass market needs.” The acrimony spills over to the filming of The Muppet Movie, during which Fozzie takes a nasty swipe at Kermit only to inadvertently maul Paul Williams, resulting in six less songs on the soundtrack.
Age 36: The Great Muppet Caper goes way over budget when Fozzie demands and gets an extended musical number featuring then-girlfriend Pia Zadora and a song by Meatloaf lyricist Jim Steinman. The 23-minute tune, “I Want to Give You My Heart but That Would Take Away My Life” is eventually cut and the footage burned.
Age 39: Strung out on mescaline and bitterness, Fozzie requires multiple takes during the shooting of The Muppets Take Manhattan. His startling lack of professionalism raises the ire of first-time director/screenwriter David Mamet who, unhappy with the final product, opts for credit under an assumed name.
Age 42: Fozzie checks himself into rehab, mostly for the industry contacts. The Muppets momentarily break up while Kermit and first wife Miss Piggy try to start a family much to the horror of animal geneticists.
Age 43: Fozzie stars in Mannequin 4 with then-girlfriend Judy Tenuta. The movie is never run, broadcast or mentioned by film historians.
Age 44: Fozzie returns to his stand-up roots, longing to try out material deemed far too risqué under Jim Henson’s management. The years, however, have been unkind to Fozzie’s comedic stylings as he finds his once-taboo material is now best suited for children’s parties.
Age 45: In dire need for cash but unable to work with Kermit, Fozzie sells all rights to his name to Walt Disney Company. Another puppet bear assumes the role of “Fozzie” in The Muppet Christmas Carol, Muppet Treasure Island, The Muppets’ Wizard of Oz and Muppet Medea.
Age 46—51: Whereabouts unknown. Rumors swirl of death by drug overdose, autoerotic asphyxiation or hunter.
Age 52: Reappears with one-man show about missing years and critical backlash titled, Lost and Frowned. Show garners huge audiences, great acclaim and top honors at Edinburgh Fringe Festival. He is even invited by Walt Disney Studios–and Kermit the Frog–to play a lead role in the new The Muppets movie to premiere Christmas 2011. Loved by critics, adored by audiences, Fozzie is finally once more free to pursue his greatest artistic ambitions.
Age 53: Fozzie signs to play the absent-minded dad in the new ABC Family sitcom With Three You Get Triplets .
Over the years I have taken thousands of photos because everything is digital now and I don’t have to save pictures in hundreds of shoe boxes that I would have to steal because I simply do not go to Foot Locker that often. But with every picture taken the question has always been, “What am I going to do with all these photographs?” Luckily, that was answered by compiling those very pictures into my first collection of never-to-be-published coffee table books, followed a little later by my second collection of never-to-be-published coffee table books. And now, because everything these days is done in threes, I present my upcoming (but not really) third collection of never-to-be-published coffee table books.