In case you haven’t heard, the Mega Millions lottery is now at its biggest jackpot ever. Naturally, this has led all news outlets to ask random people on the street what they would do if they were to win more money than God (who is currently behind Carlos Slim, J.K. Rowling, and Scrooge McDuck as the richest entity in the universe). And so since it’s only a matter of time before I’m asked given my habit of wandering the streets of NYC aimlessly in search of anything resembling even the briefest human contact, here are my plans should I win a lottery for which I haven’t bought a ticket.
1. Immediately disavow any promised acts of largesse made to family and friends that began with the phrase “If I ever win the lottery…”
2. Quit current job. Commence new career as “Mercurial Dilettante.”
3. See if money can indeed buy class by diamond-encrusting every limb.
4. Build three extra stories on garage. Purchase hovercrafts.
5. Find out just how often one can silence a room by immolating a Vermeer.
6. Prove to neighbors you’re willing to fight “fire with fire” by replacing lawn gnomes with collection of working 18th century Spanish galleon canons.
7. Set up diverse investment portfolio with half the winnings put in robot butlers and the other half in revenge.
8. Begin a lengthy series of cosmetic surgeries all in hope of one day resembling the Silver Surfer.
9. Buy company out from under employer. Fire everyone. Spend workdays stealing office supplies without fear of reprisal.
10. Start construction on personal Death Star. After taxes scale back project to a beach ball filled with arsenic.
11. Realize that if one lottery ticket can win you $540 million, just think how much 540 million lottery tickets can win you.
12. Purchase house with retractable roof to let in sun, Harrier jet.
13. Always be able to answer the question “Do you wanna rock?!” by implanting Fender guitar and amp in chest.
14. Buy local Arena Football team. Buy charging rhinos. Create new sport with one-week season.
15. Clone self. Engage in lengthy court battle to see which one is the rightful lottery winner.
What would you do?
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