Thanksgiving Prep Tips by Chef Ted Forth
• Should you wake up Thanksgiving morning to find your turkey is still frozen, try to mask your uncontrollable sobbing by quickly shoving your face into a bowl of flour. Remain in bowl until family awkwardly steps away.
• The night before Thanksgiving set out all necessary ingredients on the kitchen table and then leave the front door wide open, confident in the belief that if elves can make shoes then they can certainly prepare sausage stuffing.
• Try not to respond to every culinary suggestion with “Or we could just settle this outside.”
• If during dinner one of your guests wonders aloud why there isn’t any gravy, stuffing, mashed potatoes, vegetables, bread, pumpkin pie or napkins, look at them square in the eye with an accusatory glance and say, “I was just about to ask you the same thing.” Keep saying this, louder and louder as you stand taller and taller until they either flee the table or meekly compliment you on your turkey breast sandwiches and Pixie Stix.
• For every food task completed reward yourself with a glass of wine. Continue until you’re either the life of the party or you find yourself at your neighbor’s house, telling their umbrella stand to go fuck itself.
• Remember, nothing is so tense during holiday food preparation that it can’t be upped hundredfold with the comment, “You know I’m a vegan now, right?”
• When in doubt substitute with Oreos.