Ted Forth Announces His 2016 Presidential Campaign
Like you I, too, am concerned with the current state of our great nation. But rather than wallow in frustration and hopelessness I think now more than ever it is crucial we discuss these very problems. That you and I engage in an open and meaningful dialogue about our concerns and exasperation. For it is often only by discussing things with others do we gain the necessary understanding to do not only what we want but also, more importantly, achieve what we truly need.
Take that great 20th century character Benson. When we first met Benson he was the butler for the wealthy Tate family in Soap. But despite his clear affection for materfamilias Jessica Tate, not doubt Benson spoke to friends and family about his desire to do more with his life, see more of this great world of ours. And unquestionably it was through these heart-to-hearts that he chose to leave his former employer in Connecticut and become the Head of Household Affairs for Governor Eugene Gatling (a career move no doubt facilitated by the fact that Eugene was the cousin of Jessica Tate).
Yet even though the job was not without its rewards, Benson still yearned for more. So one can presume that he engaged in another long series of conversations with his compeers, and it was thanks to their advice that he almost certainly acquired the confidence and commitment to steadily climb up the ladder until he became State Budget Director and then ultimately to the very esteemed and enviable position of Lieutenant Governor.
But as we all know, no matter how much you have, you dream of something more. And so it was with Benson when he–we can assuredly guess–once more sought the audience and counseling of workmates, classmates and soulmates to debate the viability of a run for the governorship. And so the series Benson ended on an unresolved cliffhanger, as the title character and best friend and new opponent Eugene sat together, watching the election returns.
Over the next few weeks and months I will be releasing my personal tax returns, my professional emails, and my audition tape for The Real World: San Francisco in which I lost out to that son-of-a-bitch Judd. It’s all so I can show that I have absolutely nothing to hide, mostly because I often lack the necessary shame to do so.
Yes, these are trying times, my friend. But this can be the start of an exciting era. An era full of optimism, confidence and finally some decent cartoon-based or movie tie-in cereal. Together we can do this! And while Gov. Chris Christie announced his presidential campaign with Bon Jovi, I will leave you with an anthem that I think truly, clearly expresses my goals, my campaign, and the future our nation must take. Because I am Ted Forth and I want to be your next President of the United States!