OUT TODAY: “You Need More Sleep: Advice from Cats”!
As I write this I am surrounded by countless cat authors, each on the phone with their agent and all slapping my hands with every typo I make, hissing whenever I offer my own input, and demanding I replace the word “cat” with “Lordship” in bold face and 60-point font.
But we are gathered around the laptop for one very important reason—to thank you for your tremendous support of the felines’ literary output. From I Could Pee on This and Other Poems by Cats to I Knead My Mommy and Other Poems by Kittens, you have made all this possible. Without you reading my posts in the early days, these books would have remained ideas. Without you, they never would have appeared on bestseller lists. And without you the cats would have had to go back to marketing, writing commercials in which the person suddenly becomes distracted by a glint of light on the wall or runs up and down the hallway for no discernible reason. (The cats just swiped my hands for bringing up a low point in their writing career.)
But instead, thanks to all your encouragement the cats proudly announce TODAY’S publication of You Need More Sleep: Advice from Cats. A self-help guide from the self-involved, You Need More Sleep you will give you the confidence, independence, and indifference you need to succeed on your terms, on your schedule, and occasionally on someone else’s top shelf while blissfully knocking over their collectibles. You will learn the secrets to living a life without fear, without doubt, and without caring if you just claimed the entire king-sized bed by simply lying right smack dab in the middle. And you will forever attain an inner peace that can only come from pretty much ignoring anything anyone is saying, screaming or pleading for you to stop shredding.
Yes, whether you want to survive a party, climb the corporate ladder or just strut around like you own the place even if someone else’s name is on the lease, the cats know all. And what they know most of all is they wouldn’t be writing another book if it weren’t for you. In fact, if you were here the cats would show their great appreciation by blinking in your direction or letting you pet them for fifteen nonconsecutive minutes. And for all you have done the cats and I thank you. (And with that the authors just sat on my keyboard so I can’t type anymore.)