5 Reality-Based Games for “Super Mario Bros.” 30th Anniversary
We’ve all enjoyed watching Super Mario launch into space, drive across hot lava, and get blindingly drunk at Diddy Kong’s bar mitzvah. But now on the 30th anniversary of his and his brother Luigi’s first game together comes a slew of new releases that let Mario experience the exact same adventures people do every day of their lives.
Super Mario Awaits His Lab Results
A freaked-out Super Mario paces back and forth on the same single screen for three straight days as he anxiously awaits word from his doctor. All the while Mario keeps asking, “It’s just a bump, right? Not every bump is a tumor, right? Maybe it’ juts an overactive pimple, right? Oh God, it is a tumor, isn’t it?” to every single character he comes across until they all just leave the game.
Super Mario Visits His Folks
Always the good son, Super Mario visits his folks for the weekend only to have each parent pull him aside and complain constantly about the other one. Then Mario finds out his old room has been converted into “Cat Country” for the folks’ new pet as he watches his mom and dad fall sound asleep in front of a detective show before 8:30 pm.
Super Mario Has $20 Left in His Account
With his account almost empty and no new floating coin boxes arriving until the first of the month, a broke Super Mario must turn down all social engagements, keep visiting Costco for free food samples, try to type as many emails and texts as possible before his internet and phone service are cut off, and wonder if he could make his last few dollars last longer if he just slept through the week.
Super Mario Worries He’s Going to Die Alone
He’s been linked to Pauline, Princess Peach, and Ms. Pac-Man in that cancelled crossover game. But none of those have resulted in lasting, loving relationships. And so in hopes of finding “the one,” Mario enrolls in every cooking class possible, asks Bowser if he’s got an available non-evil sister, and fills out the eHarmony questionnaire six different ways under numerous names to increase his dating pool.
Super Mario Gets Stuck Behind the Worst Person in the Supermarket
Just wanting to buy groceries and go home, Super Mario end up in the only available checkout line behind someone who won’t stop complaining about the cashier, the management, and all of humanity while constantly making eye contact with him as if they are partners in vehement and vocal dissatisfaction as Mario smashes his head against a floating brick hoping for the sweet release of death.