In my feeble defense, the cat condo was missing four custom-made screws, the load-bearing wall was a hammock, and the instructions were beyond my admittedly negligible grasp of conversational Norwegian.
George Washington Died Four Days into His Presidency
Thanks to what was then called “The Devil’s Minute Horn of Wretched Wickedness” but what we now commonly refer to as a “splinter,” President Washington dropped dead shortly after being sworn in. Naturally, any word that the first leader of the struggling new nation had died—even from an infliction that back then claimed 47,000 lives a day—would have been disastrous for America. So instead the government hired imitators to be the President at all political events, store openings, con signings, and paintings. That is why Washington looks so different from portrait to portrait, appearing tall and regal in one, short and dumpy in another, and Korean in yet another. And to further convince people each actor was indeed Washington, the powdered wig was created as a form of “presidential disguise,” a practice that continued for all leaders until Thomas Jefferson took to wearing a cowl before his advisors convinced him otherwise.
The Electoral College Was Based on a Drunken Ramble from John Adams
In order to fulfill the dream of a true democratic republic, the nation’s leaders had to find a away to give every voter a voice without creating mob rule or directly coming in contact with them. That’s when John Adams came stumbling in drunk on his brother Sam’s brew and—in a loud voice punctuated by the occasional belch—created the Electoral College, a process in which each state chose electors equal to their number of Senate and House seats combined. These electors would then burn a witch. The witch would then emit a plume of white smoke that formed a magical Patronus, which in turn would designate the tallest non-twin individual in America as Emperor. Fortunately, the rest of the committee rewrote the notes Adams had scrawled on a cocktail napkin from a Dear Goodness ‘Tis Friday bar, hence the inclusion of hot-oil wrestling.
John F. Kennedy Created NASA for Extramarital Affairs
Hoping to find a place that not even the most intrepid reporter could learn he was having an affair with three White House assistants and a midget, JFK tasked all scientists to build him a secret rocket to the moon. (Hopefully before the Soviet Union could build its own “Peoples Make-Out Point” there.). There, the President could do as he pleased on his secret moon base, being looked after by moonbots while hopefully discovering a race of scantily clad moon women or just dressing moon rocks in provocative outfits. Alas, word of the program got out when Marilyn Monroe mentioned something about a “Nookie Aeronautics and Space Administration“ program on the set of what proved to be her last film, last day, and last words, forcing the President to replace the bikini-model astronaut with a less scandalous Alan Shepard instead.
Richard Nixon Killed Abraham Lincoln
And so the truth behind the missing 18 minutes on President Nixon’s secret Watergate tapes can finally be revealed. Nixon had long been jealous of President Lincoln’s historical popularity, not to mention Abe’s astounding 16 terms at office. And so over the now repaired audiotape we can hear a manic Nixon screaming, “I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna do it!” as he loads a gun while Secretary of State Henry Kissinger warns him that time travel is still in its infancy and no one has seen Spiro Agnew since he tried to yank Excalibur out of the stone first. Then there is a quick whoosh, followed immediately by another, and Nixon apparently returning covered in blood and torn theater tickets yelling, “I did it! And I paid some out-of-work actor six cents to take the credit!” Alas, only then did Nixon realize that by killing Lincoln the “butterfly effect” had also killed all the dinosaurs that still roamed free in the early 1970’s.
Benjamin Franklin Was President for One Day
Benjamin Franklin—Founding Father, inventor, author, postmaster, scientist, diplomat, MC, catch-quarters-flipped-from-elbow champion, and winner of “Mother May’s Hardtack Biscuit President for a Day” contest. Although the title was meant to be honorary with no real power, Benjamin Franklin used his one day in office to reduce the number of Supreme Court Justices from 823 to nine, create a U.S. military complex that didn’t rely on the hope of one day training dragons, redraw the Presidential Seal so that it no longer featured a flipped middle finger, and single-handedly design, build, and pilot the very first Air Force One before coming up with the idea of charging extra for carry-on luggage.
Martin Van Buren Is Still President of the United States
Due to a slip-up while being read his inauguration oath, Eighth President of the United States Martin Van Buren was effectively sworn in as leader for life. And although he served only one term and has been dead for over 150 years, Van Buren must still be consulted on all matters and give his okay before any President can proceed on a military attack, economic plan or even congratulate Super Bowl winners. Exactly how this is done remains a mystery to this day, although it seems to involve a Ouija board, some tarot cards, and yelling out loud at his grave while waiting for a response.