In the third panel of today’s Sally Forth strip I originally had Ted say, “Or we could watch Netflix and chill.” Only after the script was sent and the art done was I very kindly and crucially informed that “Watch Netflix and chill” is the equivalent of Homer Simpson saying, “Marge, we’re getting some drive-thru, then we’re doing it twice!” (And not simply “Relax and binge-watch” as I had thought.) I will admit, though, that had not Hilary been in the panel the line would have stayed and Ted and Sal could have got some at the front door.
Leelo wants you to know that I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats and You Need More Sleep: Advice from Cats both make great Mother’s Day gifts. Leelo also wants you to know that she was resting comfortably on the bed when she was suddenly plopped down on this table. Leelo knocked down both books after this photo was taken.
The following is a reading comprehension quiz of an actual newspaper article that ran in Oklahoma’s Tuttle Times. Please read the article carefully and then answer the corresponding questions. You may begin now.
Argument Ends with Pickup in Pond
A fight about gambling started a married couple down a path that would end with their pickup being driven into Tuttle Pond.
According to Tuttle police reports, the incident began when Eddie Pauley, 24, and Patricia Pauley, 22, of Oklahoma City, visited some friends in Tuttle on Saturday. Both of the Pauleys told police that they had been doing “beer bongs” at their friends’ home, and Eddie passed out in their truck, a 2000 black Chevrolet Silverado. When he awoke, his wife was driving to the casino in Newcastle. Eddie told police that he was angry that his wife was going to gamble, so he took over and started back towards their friends’ home on South Frisco.
The report says that about six and a half miles east of downtown Tuttle, Patricia became angry and began hitting Eddie and kicking the steering wheel. Eddie lost control and drove into a mini storage facility. When employees there approached the Pauleys, Eddie got into the back of the pickup and Patricia got behind the wheel.
Patricia then drove out onto Hwy. 37 without yielding, immediately striking two vehicles. Eddie Pauley told police that at that point, he was thrown out of the truck bed, only to wake up in someone’s yard. He left, returning on foot to his friends’ house on Frisco Road.
Patricia, still believing Eddie was in the back of the pickup, turned the pickup around and started back south on Highway 37. According to the police report, Patricia said that she does not remember anything after the turn, but witnesses at the scene saw her jump out of the truck at about 30 mph. Unmanned, the pickup crossed Hwy. 37, went through a fence, across several lawns and drove into a pond until it completely submerged under water.
Upon arriving on the scene, officers observed that Patricia appeared to be “very intoxicated,” according to the reports. “I could smell a very strong odor of an alcoholic beverage on her breath and person,” said Sgt. Jason Lanier in his report. At that point Patricia walked out onto Hwy. 37 and began to take off her clothes. She was then placed in the back of the patrol unit where, according to officers, she urinated.
Patricia told the officers that her husband was still under the water, but when Sgt. Lanier told her witnesses had seen her husband leaving the scene on foot, she threatened to sue and shouted obscenities. Lanier wrote in his report that when he asked Patricia for a description of her husband, she told him she didn’t remember what he looked like, but his shirt was white.
Tuttle police officers searched for Eddie Pauley, who was seen by witnesses screaming and running south on Sara Road and in a creek in the 5500 block of Hwy. 37 for more than an hour, but did not find him.
And now the quiz…
1. According to Patricia Pauley, what is her husband Eddie’s most salient feature?
a. His infectious laugh.
b. His way with rebuses, anagrams, and puzzles of all manners and delights.
c. Hanes undershirt, medium.
2. When Eddie woke up on the yard, what was his first thought?
a. “You know what this place could use? A koi pond.”
b. “Shouldn’t the rock group ‘Foreigner’ have been deported by now?”
c. “What that flirty waitress at Denny’s lacked in looks she more than made up for in ass.”
3. Why did Patricia take off her clothes on the highway?
a. She thought she was at work.
b. She thought she was in an 80’s teen comedy “try on various clothes” montage
c. She thought she was on a highway.
4. Why did Patricia Pauley tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle and let it sink into a pond if she believed a loved one was still inside?
a. Because no one gets between a lady and the Baccarat capital of the world that is Newcastle, Oklahoma.
b. Because no one gets between a wife and her $48 in accidental death insurance.
c. Because she was going to say a black guy did it.
5. What song did the Pauleys probably first dance to as husband and wife?
b. “Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)”
c. “Strokin’” vs. “Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)”—The Mash-up
6. How do the Pauleys probably conclude their annual Christmas newsletter?
a. “If it bleeds it breeds, Love Pat & Eddie”
b. “What the twisters didn’t kill the floods drowned, Sincerely the Pauleys”
c. “Oh God, I shot myself again. XOXO.”
7. Where is Eddie Pauley most likely now?
a. Digging his way out of a sinkhole.
b. Presently dressed as an unlicensed Sesame Street character in the Times Square of Tuttle, Oklahoma, a sinkhole.
c. Happily realizing that what ever plummets into the sinkhole is now his.
8. What famous tragic couple do the Pauleys best recall?
a. Orpheus and Eurydice
b. Heathcliff and Catherine
c. Larry and Barry, Nux’s tumorous lymph nodes in Mad Max: Fury Road
Now revised by Sally Forth artist Jim Keefe!
More importantly, it’s engineer/mathematician/inventor Hertha Marks Ayrton. Plus, if you click on it she doesn’t smirk.
In a move that surprised Beltway insiders and family members—who were completely unaware of both his political aspirations and the sheer precariousness of his mental state—Ted Forth has announced 1980’s animated TV character Voltron as his running mate in his bid for President of the United States.
“This election cycle has shown people are not only hungry for change but so starving for it that they are willing to pursue whatever mad, delusional, short-sighted path possible to achieve it. And never has a political landscape been so ready for my presidential campaign,” Mr. Forth proclaimed while waiting in line at Costco. He says the idea came to him during an office meeting when he was told to stop humming the theme to Star Blazers so insistently.
“First, the actual name of the series was Space Battleship Yamato,” Mr. Forth corrected for no discernible reason. “And second, after being reprimanded I spent the rest of the meeting in a sullen mood, with my arms crossed as I pretended to shoot lasers from my eyes. But then I realized rather than be upset I should make lemons out of lemonades! Unfortunately, I soon discovered Lemonade had already been made as a visual album while I was going through HBO Go wondering how the hell Arli$$ was ever a thing. So I opted as Voltron for my running mate instead!”
Mr. Forth was either unwilling or unable to explain the thought process that led from being reprimanded for singing about anime to announcing his political candidacy and choice of Vice-President. And when confronted by the person giving out smoked gouda samples at Costco with the fact that Voltron is not real, Mr. Forth suddenly looked terribly confused, as if completely unaware of where he was. But then just as quickly a big smile crossed his face as he began to talk again.
“The great thing with Voltron is that I actually get five running mates in one. It’s like an instant Cabinet! Now, I know that there are 15 Cabinet members. But you’re forgetting about Vehicle Force Voltron, which had three teams of five members each—sea, land, and air. So we would be covered no matter what our enemies threw at us! Of course, my actual running mate is Voltron Lion Force, which when combined with the others gives me 20 members. That means I could have extra Cabinet seats to address such growing concerns as hovercars and the undead.”
“That’s it. We give up.” Politico said in a statement shortly after Mr. Forth’s announcement. “We can’t take this election anymore. The whole thing’s like a deranged squirrel—fucking nuts.” The statement then did provide some political perspective by mentioning how Ronald Reagan had chosen his own running mate in 1976 before the party’s convention. But it also mentioned how Mr. Forth is a member of no such political party and that the news organization would now focus mostly on pet videos, with an emphasis on cats misjudging jumps.
When asked about her husband campaign at their home, Sally Forth simply said, “Please…please don’t encourage him.” She then gave a smirk that slowly transformed into a rictus before she got in her car and drove off towards a destination not yet determined.
As of this writing very little is known concerning Mr. Forth’s Presidential platform. When asked about his foreign policy, he mentioned how much he enjoyed going to Epcot in middle school and that both he and his daughter Hil have really gotten into Crunchyroll and the band Baby Metal. When questioned about any possible economic reforms, he proudly declared he had just learned how to upload digital coupons to his supermarket card.
“I’m very excited about my chances,” Mr. Forth exclaimed as he watched his wife drive off with what seemed like a considerable amount of luggage. “With Voltron returning to Netflix this is just the sort of boost my campaign needs!” (When asked for comment, Netflix confused Sally Forth with Mary Worth.) “Plus, I’ve also lined up a Super PAC of Shogun Warriors, ” he continued. “And if you remember them when you were a kid you know they are like way tall and can fire their fists, so they’re going to be really persuasive when it comes to raising funds or knocking over Jenga bricks.”
Mr. Forth also mentioned he is currently in talks with ROM the Spaceknight and Micronauts, thought not with Hasbro or even IDW Publishing but rather the very toys his parents still have in near mint condition in their garage.