Ted Forth Announces Voltron as His Running Mate
In a move that surprised Beltway insiders and family members—who were completely unaware of both his political aspirations and the sheer precariousness of his mental state—Ted Forth has announced 1980’s animated TV character Voltron as his running mate in his bid for President of the United States.
“This election cycle has shown people are not only hungry for change but so starving for it that they are willing to pursue whatever mad, delusional, short-sighted path possible to achieve it. And never has a political landscape been so ready for my presidential campaign,” Mr. Forth proclaimed while waiting in line at Costco. He says the idea came to him during an office meeting when he was told to stop humming the theme to Star Blazers so insistently.
“First, the actual name of the series was Space Battleship Yamato,” Mr. Forth corrected for no discernible reason. “And second, after being reprimanded I spent the rest of the meeting in a sullen mood, with my arms crossed as I pretended to shoot lasers from my eyes. But then I realized rather than be upset I should make lemons out of lemonades! Unfortunately, I soon discovered Lemonade had already been made as a visual album while I was going through HBO Go wondering how the hell Arli$$ was ever a thing. So I opted as Voltron for my running mate instead!”
Mr. Forth was either unwilling or unable to explain the thought process that led from being reprimanded for singing about anime to announcing his political candidacy and choice of Vice-President. And when confronted by the person giving out smoked gouda samples at Costco with the fact that Voltron is not real, Mr. Forth suddenly looked terribly confused, as if completely unaware of where he was. But then just as quickly a big smile crossed his face as he began to talk again.
“The great thing with Voltron is that I actually get five running mates in one. It’s like an instant Cabinet! Now, I know that there are 15 Cabinet members. But you’re forgetting about Vehicle Force Voltron, which had three teams of five members each—sea, land, and air. So we would be covered no matter what our enemies threw at us! Of course, my actual running mate is Voltron Lion Force, which when combined with the others gives me 20 members. That means I could have extra Cabinet seats to address such growing concerns as hovercars and the undead.”
“That’s it. We give up.” Politico said in a statement shortly after Mr. Forth’s announcement. “We can’t take this election anymore. The whole thing’s like a deranged squirrel—fucking nuts.” The statement then did provide some political perspective by mentioning how Ronald Reagan had chosen his own running mate in 1976 before the party’s convention. But it also mentioned how Mr. Forth is a member of no such political party and that the news organization would now focus mostly on pet videos, with an emphasis on cats misjudging jumps.
When asked about her husband campaign at their home, Sally Forth simply said, “Please…please don’t encourage him.” She then gave a smirk that slowly transformed into a rictus before she got in her car and drove off towards a destination not yet determined.
As of this writing very little is known concerning Mr. Forth’s Presidential platform. When asked about his foreign policy, he mentioned how much he enjoyed going to Epcot in middle school and that both he and his daughter Hil have really gotten into Crunchyroll and the band Baby Metal. When questioned about any possible economic reforms, he proudly declared he had just learned how to upload digital coupons to his supermarket card.
“I’m very excited about my chances,” Mr. Forth exclaimed as he watched his wife drive off with what seemed like a considerable amount of luggage. “With Voltron returning to Netflix this is just the sort of boost my campaign needs!” (When asked for comment, Netflix confused Sally Forth with Mary Worth.) “Plus, I’ve also lined up a Super PAC of Shogun Warriors, ” he continued. “And if you remember them when you were a kid you know they are like way tall and can fire their fists, so they’re going to be really persuasive when it comes to raising funds or knocking over Jenga bricks.”
Mr. Forth also mentioned he is currently in talks with ROM the Spaceknight and Micronauts, thought not with Hasbro or even IDW Publishing but rather the very toys his parents still have in near mint condition in their garage.