Ted Forth’s Recipe for Holiday Meat Topiaries
1. Google recipe for meatballs. Write down those instructions and ingredients.
2. Roll large meatball for the base. Realize you rolled it too large and used up half the ground beef. Consider making a Meat Bowling Ball instead. Stick three fingers into it. Be mildly disturbed by how pleasurable that is. Understand you’ve made a terrible mistake when your partner catches you rolling a strike in the hallway with the carpet you kept promising to vacuum the last four months. Let cat or dog lick off dust.
3. Roll middle meatball for torso (if opting to make Meat Snowmen) or to allow twisting movement should you want to create the topiaries from The Shining (in which case make sure to place Lego Minifies nearby as victims).
4. Place third, smallest meatball on top. Wonder how you are going to get all three meatballs to stay connected. Jam a toothpick through the top meatball, making a screaming noise as you do while spraying marinara sauce from the hole because somehow it’s taken you seven hours to reach this point in the preparation and you’ve lost your mind.
5. Use any leftover meat to make a meat ring around your finger. Pretend you’ve married Lord Sausage, the character from the classic Rankin-Bass special Rudolph and Frosty’s Chicago Layover that everyone keeps telling you never aired and in fact never existed.
6. Watch as no one eats your meat topiaries because you forgot to cook them. Take the tray into your bedroom, give each a little monocle by bending paper clips, and pretend to lecture high society on your bed as you enjoy your holiday mix of Egg Nog and Jägermeister called “Jäg Nog.”