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Forgotten Classic Games for the Just-Announced Ataribox

Posted in Uncategorized by cesco7 on July 18, 2017

What some video games lacked in graphics they sought to make up for in personal growth and eventual self-acceptance. Hence this long-shelved 70s title—available only through licensed therapists and EST sessions—in which players tried to break through emotional and psychological barriers to discover the real reasons they can’t find love, acceptance or a lab partner in science class.


The cartridge that proudly proclaimed “Don’t expect much, in game play or in life,” this title featured severely limited amenities, an inability for a player to convince anyone to go upstairs for the night, a roommate who never left due to both unemployment and death, and a lone floor mattress that served as bed, couch, dinner table, and cat’s favorite place to vomit.


This recent hack of a classic begins when the U.S. gets only four-second warning about an incoming meteor, thanks to the White House shutting down its Science Division. (Which also led to turning SwordQuest: FireWorld into WE’RE ALL BURNING ALIVE!.) Then the game ends as a gleeful God hands the Earth over to the roaches while saying in text, “I knew you’d all @#$% it up.”


TRON ’72
Predating both the Tron and Tron:Legacy—and based on a very early Disney movie pitch by the same screenwriter of the never-ending film “20 GOTO 10″—this game’s similar-looking characters made it impossible to tell if you were playing the good guy or the bad guy as you hurled a square discus at each other that neither could catch due to an absence of eyes or mouth to scream, “OVER HERE!” or “END MY MISERY NOW!”


Featuring the very first Easter Egg in which the programmer typed “I had 11 hours to complete this,” Atari’s open-ended environment game let players pick up a cup, key, and perhaps a hotplate to furnish one of the many empty rooms before being killed by a giant duck or a bat glitch the programmer could never delete.


With religious fervor on the rise in the 70s due to such musicals as Jesus Christ Superstar, Godspell, and Fallen Angel: Learning to Walk after Plummeting from Such Great Heights, Atari tried to jump on the bandwagon with a game ultimately short on spiritualism but long on feeling utterly, utterly powerless.


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