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“I Also Worked at Nakatomi Trading”: Jackie’s Complete Résumé

Posted in Uncategorized by cesco7 on September 28, 2017

Job Responsibilities: Assistant to bakery’s owner/founder Edna Garrett. Prepared baked goods; Fulfilled orders; Kept a very detailed diary of the actions of her other four female employees for the purposes of potential blackmail so that they could never leave her or each other.
Reason for Leaving: Bakery burned to ground in what is still considered an act of arson, especially given eventual disappearance of owner. Replaced with “Over Our Heads,” the very name a silent, neon-colored cry for help, that sold inflatable palm trees, toy penguins, and what I believe was a life-size Gerorge Clooney action figure.

Job Responsibilities: Sell propane tanks, propane tank refills, propane grills, propane hoses, propane hose connectors, propane RV connection hose, propane bulk tank hose adapters, propane tank stabilizers, propane regulator valves, propane y-splitters (please see attached pages for more propane).
Reason for Leaving: Shoved a portable propane gas tank in my mouth and threatened to shoot it if I had to spend one more day saying the word “propane.” Was saved from imminent self-immolation by a rather slow-talking individual who was still shocked that women now wear slacks.

Job Responsibilities: Test applicants.
Reason for Leaving: May have failed own test.

Job Responsibilities: Administrative Assistant to Howard McMann. Typing; Filing; Wondering if boss had been kidnapped or died due to constant absence.
Reason for Leaving: Entire business model became dependent on a single Account Executive and his wife, who would occasionally put on a brunette wig and pretend she was her own evil cousin for reasons unknown.

Job Responsibilities: Musical Waiter. Served restaurant customers; Sang to restaurant customers; Died a little inside each day.
Reason for Leaving: Business was replaced by Eye Caramba then The Perm Bank then Krusty Burger then IRS Burger then Mr. Burns’ Casino then Springfield Box Company then Praiseland then a horrible gas leak then a garbage crisis resulting in the entire town needing to be moved.

Job Responsibilities: Administrative Assistant to Harry Ellis. Responsibilities included looking away as he burned a third nostril in his nose with copious cocaine and generally avoiding him at all costs.
Reason for Leaving: Got drunk at Christmas party. Woke up to find everyone either dead, severely injured, eclectically international, or renewing commitment to their marriage.

Job Responsibilities: Flight Attendant. Served passengers; Assisted pilots; Repeatedly typing same six numbers to prevent an island from exploding.
Reason for Leaving: May or may not be dead.

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