“Sally Forth” Kaiju Theme Park: Last Day Part 3
Monster Island (as seen in the movie All Monsters Attack), Monsterland (as seen in the movie Destroy All Monsters) and Monster Island That’s Actually a Peninsula (as seen in The Simpsons‘ “Lisa on Ice”) is a home/nature preserve/time-share for kaiju. Amenities include gym, lounge area for group activities, tennis courts, four-star restaurants, a Duane Reade, quickly trampled tree line for easy access to all destinations, and a rather restrictive co-op board that won’t allow monsters to paint their front door simply any color they desire.
Forgotten Classic Games for the Just-Announced Ataribox
BREAKTHROUGH
What some video games lacked in graphics they sought to make up for in personal growth and eventual self-acceptance. Hence this long-shelved 70s title—available only through licensed therapists and EST sessions—in which players tried to break through emotional and psychological barriers to discover the real reasons they can’t find love, acceptance or a lab partner in science class.
HAUNTED FOURTH-FLOOR WALK-UP JUNIOR STUDIO APARTMENT
The cartridge that proudly proclaimed “Don’t expect much, in game play or in life,” this title featured severely limited amenities, an inability for a player to convince anyone to go upstairs for the night, a roommate who never left due to both unemployment and death, and a lone floor mattress that served as bed, couch, dinner table, and cat’s favorite place to vomit.
METEOR
This recent hack of a classic begins when the U.S. gets only four-second warning about an incoming meteor, thanks to the White House shutting down its Science Division. (Which also led to turning SwordQuest: FireWorld into WE’RE ALL BURNING ALIVE!.) Then the game ends as a gleeful God hands the Earth over to the roaches while saying in text, “I knew you’d all @#$% it up.”
TRON ’72
Predating both the Tron and Tron:Legacy—and based on a very early Disney movie pitch by the same screenwriter of the never-ending film “20 GOTO 10″—this game’s similar-looking characters made it impossible to tell if you were playing the good guy or the bad guy as you hurled a square discus at each other that neither could catch due to an absence of eyes or mouth to scream, “OVER HERE!” or “END MY MISERY NOW!”
SPEARED MARTINI OLIVE VS. EXTENSION-CORD DUCK
Featuring the very first Easter Egg in which the programmer typed “I had 11 hours to complete this,” Atari’s open-ended environment game let players pick up a cup, key, and perhaps a hotplate to furnish one of the many empty rooms before being killed by a giant duck or a bat glitch the programmer could never delete.
YOU VS. GOD
With religious fervor on the rise in the 70s due to such musicals as Jesus Christ Superstar, Godspell, and Fallen Angel: Learning to Walk after Plummeting from Such Great Heights, Atari tried to jump on the bandwagon with a game ultimately short on spiritualism but long on feeling utterly, utterly powerless.
“Sally Forth” Kaiju Theme Park: Mothra Munch
When at Tanaka Kaiju World make sure to pick up a box of “Mothra Munch,” the larvae that come in seven delicious flavors: Citrus Golden Blend, Shinshu Apple, Edamame, Matcha-Green Tea, Red Bean, Wasabi, and, of course, Hokkaido Roasted Corn and Melon with Mascarpone Cheese and What-the-Hell Vegetable Juice (with Custard).
And remember, the longer you keep “Mothra Munch” the more the snacks will turn into wool-eating moths, giving you the fiber you need to start your day! Plus, don’t forget to install a bug zapper for that smooth toasted flavor. You just can’t go wrong with “Mothra Munch,” the snack the FDA forbids you from taking out of theme park grounds.
“Sally Forth” Kaiju Theme Park: The Forths Vs. The Line Part 5
Know Your Kaiju!
Kumonga: Giant mutated spider. The villain in Son of Godzilla, a hero in Destroy All Monsters, Kumonga’s remarkable range eventually led to his one-actor production of 12 Angry Men. Also was initially cast as the tarantula in Home Alone, devouring the entire Mcallister clan before production was halted for rewrites.
Gigan: Cyborg space kaiju who first appeared in Godzilla vs. Gigan. Featuring a giant buzzsaw for an abdomen and hooks for hand, Gigan has never known the loving embrace of another. Now a middle school shop teacher, Gigan instructs all his students to wear safety googles before being split from head to groin.
Hedorah: Sentient pollution. Much like Godzilla symbolized Japan’s fear of nuclear strike, Hedorah was a gelatinous avatar for the country’s skyrocketing urban pollution at the time. Derived from the word “hedoro”—meaning “chemical ooze” or “slime”— the creature was eventually proven to be a Dow Scrubbing Bubble that had been consumed by the day-to-day grime it had once sworn to defeat.
Destoroyah: Demonic kaiju. A force of pure evil and cruelty, Destoroyah is not only perhaps Godzilla’s most powerful adversary but also the only one who actively takes joy in killing others as opposed to wandering around in a state of primal rage and unfocused civil engineering. The Destoroyah ride is not so much temporarily shut down as closed for good due to the way it gleefully cackled after every tourist dismemberment.
Mechani-Kong: A robot version of King Kong created by Dr. Who, as opposed to Doctor Who, Who MD, Who MD–PhD, and Honorary Doctor Who. It really shouldn’t be.
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