A Happy Father’s Day Story
I recently came across this photo of my Dad, which I’m going to assume was his headshot for a Martin Scorsese student film titled “Paisans.”
My dad passed away almost three years ago. But, of course, we still celebrate “Father’s Day.” And while when speaking of a loved one lost it’s customary to focus on memories (and there are more than plenty here: https://tinyurl.com/nzbluup) I’d like to focus on today’s celebration instead. And like any family gathering, it went 16 ways at once.
When my mom and I went to visit my dad at the cemetery we had flowers in a vase with stones inside for ballast. But with the high winds it was obvious that the stones wouldn’t be enough to keep the flowers upright. (Yes, there are conical holders to address such, but we didn’t have one.)
The initial reaction was to find more rocks to put in the vase. And so we started wandering around looking for more stones while also looking like we had either suddenly forgotten where my dad was buried or thought, “Wait, shouldn’t we be looking for the buried gold, too?” I had just bent down to pick up a few rocks when I heard my mom say, “I found a bunch over here!” only to turn around and see Mom about to take several stones off the top of a nearby headstone.
“Mom! Don’t! People left them there!”
“Oh. I didn’t know that was a thing.”
“So you thought they just landed there nice and straight?”
Alas, we did not find enough rocks. And it was at that point three things immediately came to mind: 1) I’m going to have to dig a hole in my father’s grave to secure the vase. 2) I have no idea what a Catholic cemetery considers “desecration of a grave site” because I’m so lapsed that when I hear the word “Bishop” I think Lance Henriksen in “Aliens.” And 3) I have nothing to dig with.
And so after standing there just long enough to allow for some heavenly force to drop a spade or maybe “dirt epoxy,” I got on my knees and starting digging with both hands as all the while an older woman and her daughter standing a few feet away stared at me as if I were the most utterly brazen and unbelievably incompetent grave robber ever. And that’s when I considered yelling while manically digging, “GIVE ME BACK MY WATCH!” because I thought my dad would have found that funny.
The flowers are now secure. So are the flags I dug holes for using my apartment keys that may no longer work. I love you, Dad. And a Happy Father’s Day to all the dads.
Kiki and Leelo’s Graduation Commencement Speech
Perhaps it was due to their insightful, invaluable commentary in the upcoming book All Cats Are Introverts: Poems by Cats. Perhaps it was the result of their impassioned TED Talk that later proved to be a demand for breakfast. But either way, my cats Kiki and Leelo were invited to deliver the commencement speech at a recent college graduation ceremony.
Unfortunately, it was only after toiling for hours on their presentation (as seen in the above photo taken when they were deep in co-authorship or maybe just trying to retrieve cat snacks that were wedged near the typewriter ribbon to allow for such a shot) did they learn that the academic institute in question—California University—existed solely in Beverly Hills, 90210 and Saved by the Bell: The College Years.
But that in no way should diminish or dismisses the impact of their wit and wisdom on tomorrow’s leaders. So for all those with new diplomas in their hands, hope in their hearts, and countless questions in their heads, perhaps you will find the necessary inspiration and insight in the following excerpts from their speech.
• One of the reasons cats sleep so much is that most of us spend our days in the company of another cat or two. We all think the same, we all believe the same, we’re all on the same page, and we’re boring the crap out of each other. So hang out with a dog. Talk to a ferret. Be happily startled by the appearance of a piglet. Meet as many different and different-minded individuals as possible. That’s the only way to ever truly stay awake for at least an hour or so a day.
• As cats we can tell you that some people will hate you without ever having met you. Some people will adore you without ever spending time with you. And some people will love you for who you are and occasionally could not be angrier with you for what you do. These people will be your dearest friends, and one of them is probably pissed at you right now.
• The first couple of years on your own can be financially difficult. So try to find one food you really like and then buy it in 25-pound bags.
• Cats are notorious for their “private time,” and occasionally you’ll find yourself in a similar position. But it’s important to remember that “alone” and “lonely” are not the same thing. It’s all a matter of why. That said, at some point someone is going to ask if they can share the couch with you, and your decision will determine just how wide your world can be.
• Let’s face it, cats make snap judgments. If we could roll our eyes we’d probably do so for 28 of the 30 minutes we’re awake each day. But even cats know that whenever someone says, “The older I get the less patience I have for stupid people” what they’re really saying is “The older I get the more intolerant and easily overwhelmed I become.” So maintain some level of patience, even if it means staring at something invisible across the room for an hour or so.
• Some days you’re suddenly going to run and run and run and run and run and run and run in circles and then just as immediately stop, never knowing what the hell all that running was about. And you will call those days “weekdays.”
• Remember, you can only control life so much. At some point you’re going to have to bend as well as move forward, and be okay with what life brings you. Otherwise, no matter all your planning, all your obsessive detailing over every aspect of your life, one day you’re suddenly going to look around startled and ask yourself, “How did I get here?” And if your question sounds muffled or echoes the answer is “Because you decided to shove your head inside a jar.”
• No one will ever be on the exact same schedule as you. And this will annoy you. And this will frustrate you. And this will make you feel like you’re the only person in the world who is responsible or trying to get things done. Then you look in the dead-eyed stare of the person you just woke up to feed you at 3 am and realize there will always someone else who will be frustrated by your own timetable as well.
• If you find yourself at a party in the company of very rude or thoughtless people it is perfectly acceptable to walk away from them in mid-sentence, perhaps stepping on their crotch on your way out.
• You don’t have nine lives. We don’t have nine lives. Before you know it you’re going to have to be carried around more than you would ever want. So right now get up off your chair, make a mad dash for the open door, and find out just why the family dog has been going on and on about how great wet grass feels on your ass.
Thank you and good luck.
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