Harper says this Mother’s Day get the gift of I Could Chew on This: And Other Poems by Dogs. Harper took 24 tries before she looked in the book’s direction. That’s how much careful deliberation Harper put into this, highlighting how sure she is of her ultimate decision. Harper does not pimp literature lightly.
In the third panel of today’s Sally Forth strip I originally had Ted say, “Or we could watch Netflix and chill.” Only after the script was sent and the art done was I very kindly and crucially informed that “Watch Netflix and chill” is the equivalent of Homer Simpson saying, “Marge, we’re getting some drive-thru, then we’re doing it twice!” (And not simply “Relax and binge-watch” as I had thought.) I will admit, though, that had not Hilary been in the panel the line would have stayed and Ted and Sal could have got some at the front door.
Leelo wants you to know that I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats and You Need More Sleep: Advice from Cats both make great Mother’s Day gifts. Leelo also wants you to know that she was resting comfortably on the bed when she was suddenly plopped down on this table. Leelo knocked down both books after this photo was taken.
The following is a reading comprehension quiz of an actual newspaper article that ran in Oklahoma’s Tuttle Times. Please read the article carefully and then answer the corresponding questions. You may begin now.
Argument Ends with Pickup in Pond
A fight about gambling started a married couple down a path that would end with their pickup being driven into Tuttle Pond.
According to Tuttle police reports, the incident began when Eddie Pauley, 24, and Patricia Pauley, 22, of Oklahoma City, visited some friends in Tuttle on Saturday. Both of the Pauleys told police that they had been doing “beer bongs” at their friends’ home, and Eddie passed out in their truck, a 2000 black Chevrolet Silverado. When he awoke, his wife was driving to the casino in Newcastle. Eddie told police that he was angry that his wife was going to gamble, so he took over and started back towards their friends’ home on South Frisco.
The report says that about six and a half miles east of downtown Tuttle, Patricia became angry and began hitting Eddie and kicking the steering wheel. Eddie lost control and drove into a mini storage facility. When employees there approached the Pauleys, Eddie got into the back of the pickup and Patricia got behind the wheel.
Patricia then drove out onto Hwy. 37 without yielding, immediately striking two vehicles. Eddie Pauley told police that at that point, he was thrown out of the truck bed, only to wake up in someone’s yard. He left, returning on foot to his friends’ house on Frisco Road.
Patricia, still believing Eddie was in the back of the pickup, turned the pickup around and started back south on Highway 37. According to the police report, Patricia said that she does not remember anything after the turn, but witnesses at the scene saw her jump out of the truck at about 30 mph. Unmanned, the pickup crossed Hwy. 37, went through a fence, across several lawns and drove into a pond until it completely submerged under water.
Upon arriving on the scene, officers observed that Patricia appeared to be “very intoxicated,” according to the reports. “I could smell a very strong odor of an alcoholic beverage on her breath and person,” said Sgt. Jason Lanier in his report. At that point Patricia walked out onto Hwy. 37 and began to take off her clothes. She was then placed in the back of the patrol unit where, according to officers, she urinated.
Patricia told the officers that her husband was still under the water, but when Sgt. Lanier told her witnesses had seen her husband leaving the scene on foot, she threatened to sue and shouted obscenities. Lanier wrote in his report that when he asked Patricia for a description of her husband, she told him she didn’t remember what he looked like, but his shirt was white.
Tuttle police officers searched for Eddie Pauley, who was seen by witnesses screaming and running south on Sara Road and in a creek in the 5500 block of Hwy. 37 for more than an hour, but did not find him.
And now the quiz…
1. According to Patricia Pauley, what is her husband Eddie’s most salient feature?
a. His infectious laugh.
b. His way with rebuses, anagrams, and puzzles of all manners and delights.
c. Hanes undershirt, medium.
2. When Eddie woke up on the yard, what was his first thought?
a. “You know what this place could use? A koi pond.”
b. “Shouldn’t the rock group ‘Foreigner’ have been deported by now?”
c. “What that flirty waitress at Denny’s lacked in looks she more than made up for in ass.”
3. Why did Patricia take off her clothes on the highway?
a. She thought she was at work.
b. She thought she was in an 80’s teen comedy “try on various clothes” montage
c. She thought she was on a highway.
4. Why did Patricia Pauley tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle and let it sink into a pond if she believed a loved one was still inside?
a. Because no one gets between a lady and the Baccarat capital of the world that is Newcastle, Oklahoma.
b. Because no one gets between a wife and her $48 in accidental death insurance.
c. Because she was going to say a black guy did it.
5. What song did the Pauleys probably first dance to as husband and wife?
b. “Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)”
c. “Strokin’” vs. “Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)”—The Mash-up
6. How do the Pauleys probably conclude their annual Christmas newsletter?
a. “If it bleeds it breeds, Love Pat & Eddie”
b. “What the twisters didn’t kill the floods drowned, Sincerely the Pauleys”
c. “Oh God, I shot myself again. XOXO.”
7. Where is Eddie Pauley most likely now?
a. Digging his way out of a sinkhole.
b. Presently dressed as an unlicensed Sesame Street character in the Times Square of Tuttle, Oklahoma, a sinkhole.
c. Happily realizing that what ever plummets into the sinkhole is now his.
8. What famous tragic couple do the Pauleys best recall?
a. Orpheus and Eurydice
b. Heathcliff and Catherine
c. Larry and Barry, Nux’s tumorous lymph nodes in Mad Max: Fury Road