“Sally Forth” Kaiju Theme Park: The Actual Last Day
A HUGE thank you to everyone who came along—and stood in unending lines—for the Tanaka Kaiju World storyline! Now start pressuring your local city councils to hire civil engineers and imagineers while turning over numerous safety code violations to make this theme park a reality near you!
“Sally Forth” Kaiju Theme Park: Last Day Part 4
Get to know your kaiju cosplay!
Ted as Titanosaurus: First appearing in 1975’s Terror of Mechagodzilla—and perhaps inspired by the similarly-named and scientifically disputed dinosaur— Titanosaurus is controlled by a marine scientist who loses his mind due to inability to cope with peer review. The amphibious kaiju can create cyclones with his tail and according to at least one video game unleash sonic waves from his mouth. However, he cannot withstand sonic waves from others, making him the equivalent of someone who punches you in the back of the head and then runs off because it’s not fair that you have fists, too.
Sally as King Caesar: Making its grand entrance in 1974’s Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla—leading to the question of just how many kaiju owe their careers to Mechagodzilla casting calls—King Caesar is inspired by ancient guardian lion statues, which were originally based on secondhand accounts of what people heard a lion looked like. A protector of mankind, the kaiju’s special powers include heat vision, spitting out lightning beams, and the ability to keep fighting beyond reason, making him the idea companion to have in a four-hour drunken brawl that ultimately ends with everyone burning and a lion-like creature mumbling “Put it on my tab.”
“Sally Forth” Kaiju Theme Park: Last Day Part 3
Monster Island (as seen in the movie All Monsters Attack), Monsterland (as seen in the movie Destroy All Monsters) and Monster Island That’s Actually a Peninsula (as seen in The Simpsons‘ “Lisa on Ice”) is a home/nature preserve/time-share for kaiju. Amenities include gym, lounge area for group activities, tennis courts, four-star restaurants, a Duane Reade, quickly trampled tree line for easy access to all destinations, and a rather restrictive co-op board that won’t allow monsters to paint their front door simply any color they desire.
Forgotten Classic Games for the Just-Announced Ataribox
BREAKTHROUGH
What some video games lacked in graphics they sought to make up for in personal growth and eventual self-acceptance. Hence this long-shelved 70s title—available only through licensed therapists and EST sessions—in which players tried to break through emotional and psychological barriers to discover the real reasons they can’t find love, acceptance or a lab partner in science class.
HAUNTED FOURTH-FLOOR WALK-UP JUNIOR STUDIO APARTMENT
The cartridge that proudly proclaimed “Don’t expect much, in game play or in life,” this title featured severely limited amenities, an inability for a player to convince anyone to go upstairs for the night, a roommate who never left due to both unemployment and death, and a lone floor mattress that served as bed, couch, dinner table, and cat’s favorite place to vomit.
METEOR
This recent hack of a classic begins when the U.S. gets only four-second warning about an incoming meteor, thanks to the White House shutting down its Science Division. (Which also led to turning SwordQuest: FireWorld into WE’RE ALL BURNING ALIVE!.) Then the game ends as a gleeful God hands the Earth over to the roaches while saying in text, “I knew you’d all @#$% it up.”
TRON ’72
Predating both the Tron and Tron:Legacy—and based on a very early Disney movie pitch by the same screenwriter of the never-ending film “20 GOTO 10″—this game’s similar-looking characters made it impossible to tell if you were playing the good guy or the bad guy as you hurled a square discus at each other that neither could catch due to an absence of eyes or mouth to scream, “OVER HERE!” or “END MY MISERY NOW!”
SPEARED MARTINI OLIVE VS. EXTENSION-CORD DUCK
Featuring the very first Easter Egg in which the programmer typed “I had 11 hours to complete this,” Atari’s open-ended environment game let players pick up a cup, key, and perhaps a hotplate to furnish one of the many empty rooms before being killed by a giant duck or a bat glitch the programmer could never delete.
YOU VS. GOD
With religious fervor on the rise in the 70s due to such musicals as Jesus Christ Superstar, Godspell, and Fallen Angel: Learning to Walk after Plummeting from Such Great Heights, Atari tried to jump on the bandwagon with a game ultimately short on spiritualism but long on feeling utterly, utterly powerless.
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